just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
