Already got asked if we're dating
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
