my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
