Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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