im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My cat gives me a boner
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
