his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
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I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
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My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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