nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i dont even know how to be here
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
