that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it