I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
