I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
