Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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