Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
