apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
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no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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