maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Randomize
