The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
