Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
