Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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