Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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