Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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