On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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