you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
