oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
