so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
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I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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