Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
