I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
