I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
