Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There r osticjed everywhere
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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