at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My dad just said "fuck circus"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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