I think I am morally bankrupt
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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