I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
