i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
