if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I forget how to act sober
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