All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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