Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
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the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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