so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
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I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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