"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
