Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
