I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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