Since when is my name a synonym for head?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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