and you said cock pushups were impossible
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
im six kinds of drunk right now
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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