turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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