i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize