The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
