i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
