I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I could make wine with my vomit
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
