I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
