My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
