Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
