The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
