if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
