eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
