just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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