why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
