I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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