We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
