so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
