i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
