she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
