Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
be right there i have to get my cape
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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