I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
