Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
