girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
