we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
