There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
