I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
