If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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