I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
