He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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